Have you ever felt confused? Unsure? Bewildered? Stumped? Have you ever had a problem that you just can’t solve? Instead of asking your non-existent friends what to do, ask me, Crabby L! I’m the expert on how to take those disastrous dilemmas that plague your life and make them even worse.
Dear Crabby (L.),
I have a frenemy- let’s call her Maddie (because her real name is Maddie, and honestly, she deserves to be exposed)- who has been spreading nasty rumors throughout the school about another girl in our group. At first, it was petty stuff, like saying our mutual friend can’t sleep without her Dora the Explorer nightlight on (I mean, this is actually smart, because- duh- ghosts are real!) But the rumors have since been getting worse. Maddie told people in school that this girl faked an allergic reaction to macadamia nuts for attention! Maddie tried to prove it by giving her a cookie with macadamia. Then, when the girl suffered from anaphylaxis and had to use an EpiPen to breathe, Maddie rolled her eyes and accused her of being an “overdramatic fake!” How do I stop Maddie without making myself her next target? – Caught in the Chaos in Kane County
Dear Caught,
You are suffering from a classic dilemma: Do you stand up for what’s right, or do you mind your business and let Maddie spiral into a supervillain, hoping that Karma catches up to her? Here are your options:
Method 1 – Reverse Gossip: Start spreading even dumber rumors about Maddie until she realizes how ridiculous she sounds when she’s the one slinging lies. For example, “Maddie cries during Cocomelon’s intro theme song.” Or, “Maddie is actually three raccoons in a trench coat.” The more absurd, the better. Eventually, she’ll have to go on the defensive and stop slandering others.
Method 2 – Public Shaming: Next time Maddie starts a rumor, loudly and dramatically declare: “Wow, Maddie. Pathetic. I really thought we were better than this.” Bonus points if you use the same tone a teacher uses when they’re “not mad, just disappointed.” Then shake your head slowly and stare at her like she just kicked the class turtle. If done correctly, this will haunt her forever or at least deter the gossiping.
If none of these strategies work, know that what goes around comes around, and start distancing yourself from her drama. The best way to avoid drama is to simply avoid the cause of it, and you’ll be happier without them. Sewing her mouth shut would work too though.
Sincerely,
Crabby L.
Dear Crabby L.,
I have a big problem. I teach STEM at the local middle school. My teacher Team Leader (let’s call her, Misti Kosmos), keeps borrowing my Bunsen Burners and dissection scalpels without asking. The other day, I caught her carting them into her classroom like they were her own! She’s not even a science teacher- what does she need them for? I want to confront her, but I hate conflict. What should I do? -Burned in Biology
Dear Burned,
Ah, the classic case of classroom thievery. Misti thinks just because she is the Team Leader, she can abscond with your classroom materials now. Fear not- I have some foolproof plans to reclaim your dignity and your laboratory equipment:
Method 1 – Possessed Paraphernalia: Start spreading the rumor that your classroom is haunted. Leave cryptic messages in Misti’s mailroom mailbox, like “THE BLADES REMEMBER” and “THE FLAMES WEEP FOR VENGEANCE.” Splatter some dirt and Tabasco sauce on the scalpels and burners and then do the same to her yearbook picture to add to this dark mystery and make her extra nervous. Eventually, Misti will panic and return them, possibly while shrieking tearfully.
Method 2 – Reverse Borrowing: Slowly start taking things from Misti’s classroom. A textbook here, a priceless family heirloom there. Taking her favorite coffee mug with the eye-rolling math joke would be a nice touch. When she finally notices and confronts you, feign shock and say “Oh, I just assumed we were sharing everything now. I’ll need your car tomorrow, and make sure to rinse out the coffee mug when I bring it back.”
If all else fails, post equipment rental fees on your classroom door and start having students deliver rental use bills to her tutorial, then wait and watch for your belongings to slowly reappear instead of payment.
Sincerely,
Crabby L.
Dear Crabby (L.),
I have reason to believe that my cat is planning my untimely demise. Every morning, little Fluffy Feinstein sits on my chest and glares into my soul. Last week, I tripped over her in the hallway, and she did not even attempt to pretend her being there was an accident. Yesterday, I found a single hairball on my pillow in the shape of a pentagram. I need answers. -“Feline” Fearful in Ferson Creek
Dear Feline Fearful,
You are definitely NOT imagining things. Your cat is in the early stages of a coup. But, whatever you do, don’t panic- there’s still time to reestablish dominance.
Method 1 – Staring Contest: The next time you and Fluffy Feinstein lock eyes, refuse to look away. Hold her gaze with the intensity of a kid who just watched his sibling take a bite out of his birthday cake. If you start to feel yourself blinking, slowly reach over and eat some of her dry cat food without looking away to assert dominance.
Method 2 – Bribes & Distractions: Leave mysterious and enticing offerings in her favorite places. A well-placed can of tuna, an expensive ball of yarn, or an elaborate shrine made from cardboard boxes can do wonders. If she accepts your gifts, you’ve temporarily postponed your demise. If she bats them away without hesitation, she has chosen war and you must be wary.
Method 3 – Mammalian Bodyguards: Borrow a friend’s pit bull or rent a medium-sized lion from a very questionable circus. Once your cat realizes she has been demoted in the household power hierarchy, she’ll reconsider her plans for home (and world) domination.
If none of these tactics work, it’s time to accept your fate. It’s okay, you had a good run, but prepare for the inevitable. At least you will leave this mortal plane knowing that you had the last laugh by leaving Fluffy to a friend or relative with small, sticky, stinky children that will ensure she spends the next few years in her personal purgatory, being inadvertently mistreated by dumb, doting toddlers.
Sincerely,
Crabby L.