In what’s been dubbed “The Mass Swiftie Evacuation”, both Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce have fled to Chile on March 13th along with 10,000 passionate Swifties, in what has to be Chile’s dream come true. Just last year, Chile’s president, Gabriel Boric, pleaded with Taylor via a YouTube video to schedule Eras Tour dates in Chile. He said, “One day, she’ll listen to Chilean Swifties, and I have no doubt she’ll come to Chile. Hopefully, within the next three years.” Well, his dreams came true when Taylor ran to Chile alongside 10,000 passionate Swifties and was offered asylum on the condition that she perform Eras Tour concerts in Chile for Chilean Swifties and the president himself. She accepted, and ever since the news came out, the internet has exploded with billions of people sharing their takes on what happened.
However, many are ecstatic, even overjoyed, about Swift’s swift departure. “I’m so happy they’re gone”, says 15-year-old football-obsessed Brayden, who has repeatedly complained about how “Taylor Swift ruined football”. “Besides, all the Swifties were getting so annoying.” Brayden, who has a 16-year-old Swiftie sister who evacuated with Taylor, says that having a Swiftie sister was one of the hardest things in his life. “She would just blast Taylor Swift all day long,” Brayden recalls, wiping tears out of his eyes. “She went to all the concerts, she bought all the merch. Taylor Swift just ran her life. I must’ve heard ‘Darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream’ ALL DAY LONG.” Now, Brayden is so much happier. “Because of the Mass Swiftie Evacuation, I can listen to my music now.” When asked how his sister is, he said that his sister texted him a photo of her with Travis & Taylor. “She’s doing fine”, he says. “In fact, I’ve never seen her happier.”
Former Kansas City Chiefs fan Aiden is also relieved. “I used to like the Chiefs, being born in Kansas City, but when Taylor Swift started dating Travis, I stopped,” Aiden recalls sad memories of seeing other boys bullied in school because they were Chiefs fans. “Taylor Swift has no idea what she did when she started dating Travis Kelce. Because of Taylor, people automatically think that you support her whenever you root for the Chiefs, even if you just like the team. Plus, Travis losing several catches during the Super Bowl ruined my support for him.” Now, with both Taylor & Travis gone, Aidan finally feels free to be himself. “Now that they’re gone, I can finally be a Chiefs fan!”. Even President Trump is expressing opinions on what’s been dubbed, “The Mass Swiftie Evacuation”. When asked if perhaps he was the reason why they fled, he declined to comment. However, when the news came out, he took to his socials to celebrate “The Mass Swiftie Evacuation.” He wrote, “After years of plaguing us all with bad songs, ruining football, and horrible music, the Childless Cat Lady and her butterfingers, Super-Bowl losing boyfriend have finally left us alone. Let us celebrate not being plagued by their existence anymore.”
Celebrities Kim Kardashian is also celebrating “The Mass Swiftie Evacuation.” Kim released a statement via her Instagram, saying, “After writing countless diss tracks against me, Taylor is finally getting what she deserves. Just happy I was able to show everyone her snake side.” However, some celebrities actually have the nerve to release statements saying that they miss her. Olivia Rodrigo released a statement saying that she was sincerely sorry for “what forced Taylor & Travis to flee.” She also mentioned that she and her team would be investigating President Trump, among others, to “unveil the truth of why Travis & Taylor were forced to flee to Chile.”
She continued on. “No one should be forced to leave their country, no matter what. And my team’s gestures of support are not just for her but for refugees worldwide.” Sabrina Carpenter, another singer and opening act for many of Taylor’s Eras Tour shows, posted a compilation of never-before-seen photos showcasing Taylor & Sabrina’s close-knit relationship. She posted a caption below saying, “Thank u for some of the best years of my life. I’ll forever remember the Eras Tour with u. I’ll make sure to schedule some Short n’ Sweet tour dates in Chile sometime!!!. Miss uuuuuuuuuuu.”
Swifties, however, are in mass mourning of “the loss of Taylor Swift”, says Swifties Unite!, now Swifties 4eva, leader Ellie Lombard. When we interviewed her, we found her to be in a stage of mourning, Taylor Swift style. “I’ve been listening to all of her songs to remember her,” Ellie says. “I’ve also been listening to Taylor’s Five Stages of Grief Apple Music playlist”. When asked how she and the Swifties left behind are doing, she says that losing Taylor and being left behind is making life much harder for her. “With Taylor gone, mourning her fleeing is the only thing still keeping us Swifties together. I feel like I lost so much sisterhood when she left. Besides, it’s hard when you look on Instagram, and see your former fellow Swifties hanging out with Taylor and abandoning you.” When asked whether hate crimes against her and other Swifties have risen, she nodded solemnly. “Hate crimes are rising against Swifties, because Taylor’s not in the US anymore, meaning that it gives all anti-Swifties the freedom to attack us. Just yesterday an anti-Swiftie spat at me and yelled at me, and the grocer at the grocery store made me pay 13 cents extra as a “Swiftie tax”, she complains. “I don’t even think that’s legal.” Spoiler alert: It’s not. Taylor and Travis have sparked many interesting reactions, that’s for sure. Now all that’s left is to wait and see if she ever returns to her homeland. *Sighs in sad Swiftie.*